*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.