Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
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wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
this has done me in for some reason
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”