Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
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People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
You got this…
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.