paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
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i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.