Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
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Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Story of my life…..
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.