*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
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streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?