My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
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If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”