I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
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Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.