pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
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The booster protects against what, now?
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse