My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
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*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.