I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
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What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
happy friday
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didnāt.
Child (8): YOU DONāT KNOW MY LIFE!
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chiliās staring at you?
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that Iām 72
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals Iāve ever eaten.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: š¤¦āāļø
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
I thought it was āit takes two to make a dingo rideā.
And then āit takes two to make it out of sightāā¦.ON the dingo.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. donāt show weakness. eat all of it
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: Thereās a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
āI just love a man in uniformā
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. š
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint