‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
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Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.