“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
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building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
I got bills
They’re multiplying
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of