in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
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Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Um … Hot Wings please
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed