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You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario