how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
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First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
why am I working on Labor Day
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.