First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
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Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
time for some seasonal decor
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.