I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
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Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)