What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
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When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*