“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
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superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you