1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
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Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.