Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
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4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward