ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
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Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.