A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
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women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.