My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
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Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
thank god the sign was there
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.