Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
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Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..