my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
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I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom