Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
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Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.