Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
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Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Free him
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
“What?”
– Jude
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice