I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
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Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Cats are still liquid.
Me too, bag. Me too….
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me: