Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
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The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind