Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
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Match dot com, but for socks.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
water it, i dare you
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Best seat on the street 😍
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.