Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
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Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Liquor Store Parking
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.