[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
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E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.