So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
You Might Also Like
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”