What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
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HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
S M O L
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Sunday
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”