I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
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I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
for all #parents out there
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.