“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
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You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?