If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
You Might Also Like
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Pot warmers of the day.