Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
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Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.