The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
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Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
this has to be peak English
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Boating season is upon us.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”