Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
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The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
I only eat vegetarians.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
I’m awake but I object,
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis