HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
You Might Also Like
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork