When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
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No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.