I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
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A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”