Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
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Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.