My work here is don’t.
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So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor