My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
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I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.