My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
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My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Going to church you guys need anything
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”