want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
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8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Swedish for common sense.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.